Hello all,
Well, its been a while since I've done this. Life is crazy as usual and right now I cant seem to find motivation to do homework. So what do I do? Write.
My heart lately has just ached. I think it all started when Bri passed away. I realized that this girl who could literally kick your ass if you got on her wrong side, just died. Like one minute she was perfectly fine and the next she was gone. I still haven't gone to see her memorial near Mancos yet. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. But I had so many ideas about what our apartment would be like. I thought "maybe this time, this roommate will work out".
But life likes to throw you mountains sometimes. It still shocks me to this day that I don't find her in the kitchen in the apartment we picked out and signed a lease for in early May. Jesus was it really that long ago? Did that all really happen?
When people ask how my summer was I initially said really hard, then challenging. Now since I don't want to explain what exactly happened, I just say that it was fine. I Don't exactly want to dump on everyone what my summer was actually like. Bri died near the end of June and then a little over a month later, Grant and I broke up. So initially I started off the summer with a boyfriend and a roommate I adored. And at the end of the summer I had no boyfriend and another wonderful roommate I adored. I am so thankful I found Annamarie to live with. We work so well together, but I cant help but just feel like Bri in some way is still watching over all of this. Her wild spirit. God I miss her.
So pretty much, all of my relationships at the beginning of the summer had been turned upside down by the end.
In the case of Grant and I there's really no person to blame. We just grew apart. Its as simple as that. I learned that its better to be single than be in a relationship where the people are going in different directions. We have both just found different paths to take in life. And believe it or not, we are still friends. Though its tough to not feel the ache of missing that person. Hell it was almost 2 years that we were together. That's longer than a lot of marriages. We learned a lot about each other and what its like to be in love. I know for a long time we were in love and then like 2 trees we just grew towards 2 different suns. And for a time we both thought we would end up together. But life has a funny way of jumbling things up in our world. We learned that even though we weren't right for each other in the end, we will still remain friends. We talked the other day about our lives, and in a weird way, its starting to feel normal. He will always hold a place in my heart but its full of good memories and of growing up. We just were not right for each other, and that's OK.
But trying to get back out into the dating world can be scary, Quite frankly some days I don't know if I am ready. When you break up with someone, you have this overwhelming amount of almost guilt. Like maybe if I had done something different we would still be together. I have this nagging tendency to not let something die until I fully give up on it. I have always wanted to fix things. Like some days I wish that I could go back and just flip a switch or go back in time. I wish I could go back to the middle of June and tell Bri to be safe, and that I was excited to live with her. I don't think Grant or I are to be blamed for what happened. Neither of us cheated. We were just like that Robert Frost poem. We were on the same road in this crazy journey of life, and then we went our separate ways. And along the way we fell out of love. Which is really hard to get over because we were each others first real relationship.
So suffice it to say, after nearly 2 years of being with the same person and then it suddenly ends, i'm back to square one. Not sure on who i'm going to end up in life with. Not sure really whats happening now. But what I do know is that you cannot be afraid to take risks and challenges. Not a single person gets out of this life alive so why not try something new. Right now i'm letting my heart heal from the emotional stress of the summer, but that doesn't mean I don't want to meet people. I know some more things about myself that I didn't know at the beginning of the summer. And in some really odd way, I've grown closer to the crazy group of people I like to call my family.My mom will agree that yes I had a challenging summer, but I also had a big growing summer. I believe in myself more than I did at the beginning of May.
I'm going out on a limb, and technically I've gone on one date. Right now i'm protecting my heart but I also know that college is a social time, so i'm also going out and meeting new people. I've become more outgoing, if that's even possible. And I've had some fun.
But this whole love and the meaning of life thing, I haven't figured out yet. Heck, i'm only 20! I think i'm allowed to live a little for now.
So, that's my life as it stands now!
"Courage comes from not always being right, but not fearing to be wrong"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
