20
I'm not going to lie. My 20th time around the sun was hard for me.
But those years of growth can sometimes be the most meaningful
And even though it wasn't perfect, as in most years, it was still a needed year.
Growing up is necessary and it is a part of life. Its natural and often scary.
But here we go, my 4th annual list of what I learned this year.
Food literature is not as fluffy as it seems. And Food lit in general was the best class ever.
Another New Years spent with a significant other is nice to have. Its nice to feel wanted and like you are somebody to someone.
College Spanish is a whole new ball game but I'm enjoying the challenge.
Even though I didn't get to do CMEA in high school, I finally got to do it in college and it was lovely.
Do not procrastinate projects. Ever. I'm still trying to learn that but its getting better.
I learned that life is extremely precious. And Bri was a wonderful friend but I never in a million years would have thought that she would pass away so soon. I guess no one really thinks that will happen. But I just assumed that Bri would go on her own terms. I still miss her and still some days its hard to believe she is actually gone. She was so fiery, bright and kind.
But out of this came something good. I met Annamarie and we are great together as roommates. We just have a very similar sense of humor and support each other when we need it.And were the weirdest possible pair of roommates you could ever find.
I learned that its hard to fully erase someone out of your life. I can never erase Grant or Bri. Grant will always be the first guy I ever loved. And Bri was a great friend of mine even though I didnt know her for all that long she meant something to me. All those pictures and memories cannot be erased but I can move past them. Its been 5 months since we broke up and 6 since Bri passed away.
I learned that I have very high standards. And that can make dating challenging when I'm not willing to relax a little bit on what I expect. But this is college so I need to relax a bit.
I learned I cannot get any measurable amount of work done if I'm not wearing a bra. How sad is that?
I learned that Panera is actually pretty fun because my coworkers are hilarious. I mean really, we juggle avocados in our free time.
I learned that Appaloosa Trading Company is where amazing people congregate to work. And even though most of us have quit, I still love all of you dearly. Kes, Eli, Sara, Adam, Tamara, Crystal and Annamarie. Love you all.
I learned to hold my head high and stand up for myself.
I learned journalism is my calling. I love it.
I learned that meaningful relationships are hard to come by. I am not one of those girls who will ever have a one night stand. I just get too attached to people I like and fall too hard.
I learned that heartbreaks may seem like the entire world is coming down, but if you wait it out and find yourself again, its a lot better.
I learned you can rekindle relationships. Hallie and I were a bit rocky when the summer started but this semester we've found our friendship again and I'm so glad that we have.
I learned that Utah is a gorgeous place. Zion and Arches in particular if you ever have a chance, GO!
The word "nice" or generic words that have no real deeper meaning are terrible. Please if you have to describe someone, use something other than nice. Here's an example-gregarious! Anything but nice!
I learned its better to be alone instead of lowering your standards. This doesnt not make me stuck up. This shows that I respect myself enough to have standards for someone who enters my life and I expect them to have the same for me. Its also better to be alone instead of being in a relationship that isnt going anywhere.
I have found and embraced that I am an old soul. I like to knit and I'm very careful about how people perceive me. I need to relax a bit on the latter but I know that its OK to have an old soul.
I found that wanderlust is wonderful. And I want to live in Germany or go back and visit sometime soon. France not so much but Germany in a freaking heartbeat.
I found loving yourself is a lot harder than I ever thought possible. Its getting better but there's still days where I'm the hardest person on myself. I really need to learn to love every bit of me.
Any time with your best friend eating ice cream can fix just about anything, Thank you Nick for starting the healing process with that pint of icecream that I mostly ate.....
I've learned to love my curves. Somehow I was blessed with a small waist and I think beautiful curves. I will eat what I please and be healthy, but I will never starve myself to make myself look a certain way. Food is the answer!
I love being an editor for the Indy. Having my name and picture in a publication is so satisfying and I cannot wait for what we will accomplish in the next years!
Its also better to have a few good friends at your side than a horde of fair weather friends. Or if you just have a roommate that is up for random adventures, that's always good too.
I have found I am a feminist. No i do not burn my bras, because A- I love my bras. B- I wouldn't get any work done without them. C- They are pretty damn expensive! I just believe in equality and I think its shameful that our country hasn't figured out how to pay men and women the same for the same work.
I learned that I am 70 inches tall and I should strut every inch of what I have.
Make lots of friends in your hard classes. That way you can all help each other and make amazing projects. I don't know what I would have done without Allie, Lainey and Louis in my media production class.
MRIs are scary things but they answer scary questions about heart conditions. My MRI in August came back clear so were all good guys!
Toad in a hole is the best breakfast EVER.... thank you Sean.
I learned that if you slowly ease back into the dating pool its a lot better. Sure I wanted to dive right in but I felt guilty if I went too fast. Sure its good to experiment but know where your heart is and he meant something to me, so I couldn't just get back out there. I took my time and I think 2015 will be the year when I begin again.
Which leads me to the song Begin Again by Taylor Swift. It is pretty much the only song I've listened to every day for the past few months. Actually Taylor Swift in general is just a bad ass and I wish I could be her for a day.
Liam Payne is gorgeous and Remi has me hooked now on One direction, Crap.
I learned that I am stronger today than I was yesterday,
That I should not doubt my capabilities.
That every scar, every freckle and every curve of mine is beautiful.
I know that 2014 was a hard year for me but i can just feel that 2015 is a good year.
I refuse to let anyone get in my way and i know that next year will be better.
So goodbye 20, hello 21
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Myla Dalbesio
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean really looked at yourself?
Looked at the wonder that you are.
It seems weird, but recently I have been looking at myself. And for the first time in a really long time. I actually like all that I see.
Sure I may not be the skinniest girl, or the fittest but I like what I am.
And I think one of the main steps into liking who I am as a person is to first accept what I see in the mirror.
Sure some days the make up doesn't want to go on how I want to. Hell the other day I had to try to put on foundation three times because it just wasn't working. I'd apply a layer and then it wouldn't look like I want for some reason or another, and I would take it off and try again. On the third try I finally was so fed up with it that I just dealt with what the make up gods decided to give me that day.
The make up not working isn't the important part. Its the process. Not only do most women feel insecure with out make up on, but having to apply it over and over again just to be happy with yourself is the problem.
Sure there are parts of me I love and those I don't.
My thighs and my stomach. As most women have those problem areas as well. I have beautiful curves, what are you going to do?
The other day, I was editing a video for my media production class and there's a clip of me in a crop top with leggings and a good portion of my stomach and waist is showing. One of my good friends in that class Allie remarked that "you have a ridiculous waist". And I said that "that was a skinny day".
Why do I have to make excuses for looking good? Is there all that much difference between a "skinny" day and a "fat" day?
I have a small waist, yes. But I was just made that way. I have a rib cage that narrows towards the bottom.
Just like I was made with a narrowed aorta and that's why now I have a hooked scar on my left shoulder. To remind me that I was perfectly made.
To remind me that every part of me is beautiful. Even the scary parts. Even the hooked scar. Even the mushroom shaped scar. Even the emotional scars.
That life is scary and that at the end of the day, the only person you can really count on for making your day better is yourself. The entire world can tell you that you are the most beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, desirable woman in the world. But until YOU believe and can look in the mirror and see the beauty not only inside you but also so you can look past the scary parts and see the beautiful ones, that's when you are truly beautiful.
I saw a ten minute video about Myla Dalbesio. She is a new model for Calvin Klein and is a size 10. Which is around what I am. This beautiful woman with wonderful curves talks about self acceptance and at the end of the video we see her in just her bra and underwear. She looks like any normal woman. Not the most tone, but healthy. Just her sitting there reminded me that, I am beautiful no matter what size.
She is considered a plus size model. The lovely vibrant woman with all of her wonderful curves that looks like so many american woman is, considered plus size!
It really struck me how we value beauty to be a certain size. Size 0. Like any of us are really that size! That these willowy woman get to decide what is beautiful. Just think about how amazing a dress looks on a size 0 versus a size 10. That hourglass figure is where beautiful is at!
There were tryouts for a fashion show that was going to be going on at FLC later on this month. And girls had to be a certain height, and have certain measurements. I looked at what the designers professional website asked for, And I realized, I wasn't going to fit. They had said that sizes and height was negotiable, but I was so afraid that I was going to be the "fat" girl that I didn't even think about trying out. I even measured myself to see what I really was and even though I was a few inches off in some places, I still pushed it out of my mind. I didn't want to have to go up against these stick thin girls with perfectly flat stomachs and toned thighs.
I am a beautiful woman. AND I NEED TO REALIZE THAT!
YOU NEVER NEED TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!
Why do we pin all of our confidence on whether or not people perceive us as beautiful. Its like the more people that are after us, the more confidence we have, and the more we like ourselves. And then when the pool of men had dried up, so has our confidence on how beautiful we are. Isn't our society so screwed up!?!
So I am a proposing a change to you, whatever gender you are. Just go look in the mirror and find one thing, even the most minuscule, about yourself that you like. Hell it could be that sweet little freckle on your knee for all I care!
And just love it. That's all.
Love yourself and don't let anyone else define your worth!
Because you are beautiful.
Looked at the wonder that you are.
It seems weird, but recently I have been looking at myself. And for the first time in a really long time. I actually like all that I see.
Sure I may not be the skinniest girl, or the fittest but I like what I am.
And I think one of the main steps into liking who I am as a person is to first accept what I see in the mirror.
Sure some days the make up doesn't want to go on how I want to. Hell the other day I had to try to put on foundation three times because it just wasn't working. I'd apply a layer and then it wouldn't look like I want for some reason or another, and I would take it off and try again. On the third try I finally was so fed up with it that I just dealt with what the make up gods decided to give me that day.
The make up not working isn't the important part. Its the process. Not only do most women feel insecure with out make up on, but having to apply it over and over again just to be happy with yourself is the problem.
Sure there are parts of me I love and those I don't.
My thighs and my stomach. As most women have those problem areas as well. I have beautiful curves, what are you going to do?
The other day, I was editing a video for my media production class and there's a clip of me in a crop top with leggings and a good portion of my stomach and waist is showing. One of my good friends in that class Allie remarked that "you have a ridiculous waist". And I said that "that was a skinny day".
Why do I have to make excuses for looking good? Is there all that much difference between a "skinny" day and a "fat" day?
I have a small waist, yes. But I was just made that way. I have a rib cage that narrows towards the bottom.
Just like I was made with a narrowed aorta and that's why now I have a hooked scar on my left shoulder. To remind me that I was perfectly made.
To remind me that every part of me is beautiful. Even the scary parts. Even the hooked scar. Even the mushroom shaped scar. Even the emotional scars.
That life is scary and that at the end of the day, the only person you can really count on for making your day better is yourself. The entire world can tell you that you are the most beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, desirable woman in the world. But until YOU believe and can look in the mirror and see the beauty not only inside you but also so you can look past the scary parts and see the beautiful ones, that's when you are truly beautiful.
I saw a ten minute video about Myla Dalbesio. She is a new model for Calvin Klein and is a size 10. Which is around what I am. This beautiful woman with wonderful curves talks about self acceptance and at the end of the video we see her in just her bra and underwear. She looks like any normal woman. Not the most tone, but healthy. Just her sitting there reminded me that, I am beautiful no matter what size.
She is considered a plus size model. The lovely vibrant woman with all of her wonderful curves that looks like so many american woman is, considered plus size!
It really struck me how we value beauty to be a certain size. Size 0. Like any of us are really that size! That these willowy woman get to decide what is beautiful. Just think about how amazing a dress looks on a size 0 versus a size 10. That hourglass figure is where beautiful is at!
There were tryouts for a fashion show that was going to be going on at FLC later on this month. And girls had to be a certain height, and have certain measurements. I looked at what the designers professional website asked for, And I realized, I wasn't going to fit. They had said that sizes and height was negotiable, but I was so afraid that I was going to be the "fat" girl that I didn't even think about trying out. I even measured myself to see what I really was and even though I was a few inches off in some places, I still pushed it out of my mind. I didn't want to have to go up against these stick thin girls with perfectly flat stomachs and toned thighs.
I am a beautiful woman. AND I NEED TO REALIZE THAT!
YOU NEVER NEED TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!
Why do we pin all of our confidence on whether or not people perceive us as beautiful. Its like the more people that are after us, the more confidence we have, and the more we like ourselves. And then when the pool of men had dried up, so has our confidence on how beautiful we are. Isn't our society so screwed up!?!
So I am a proposing a change to you, whatever gender you are. Just go look in the mirror and find one thing, even the most minuscule, about yourself that you like. Hell it could be that sweet little freckle on your knee for all I care!
And just love it. That's all.
Love yourself and don't let anyone else define your worth!
Because you are beautiful.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I'm Gonna Like Me
As a child, one of my favorite books was "I'm Gonna Like Me" by Jamie Lee Curtis. I always liked how the kids learned to love themselves after each of their mistakes. Or after having done something embarrassing. That loving yourself was that easy.
I guess you could say that sometimes loving yourself is easier said than done.
I always preach about loving yourself and acceptance. But often times I don't hold myself to the same standards. I've always known that I am one of the harshest critics of myself. But I didn't realize how harsh until just recently.
As some of you may have heard, being back in the single pool hasn't been the easiest of transitions. Sure its been over 3 months since Grant and I broke up, but I still catch little whims of what we were.
Just the other day I found an envelope I had used for a valentines day scavenger hunt. There used to be little paper hearts I had cut out and wrote little things I loved about him on them and all tucked inside said envelope. The hearts were gone but the memories and the tradition was not.
Or just yesterday I did this flirty little snap and wink thing that he had initially first done to woo me. Suffice to say, the connections are being cut and fading but, there are those triggers that bring them up.
The dress I got from him for Christmas last year. I still love it, but I cant bring myself to wear it.
The earrings from our first anniversary
Anytime I think of hockey, Qdoba or Canada.
For Halloween this year I had to think of an individual costume.
I'm using a journal as a catcher of all of my emotions so that close friends don't have to endure every aspect. Its a method of self soothing.
If you didn't know, I often talk to myself as a way to reassure ideas. Sometimes people are supposed to hear what I'm muttering and sometimes they are not. I narrate my life which can be a bit of an annoyance to other people so I've tried to mute it. But its really difficult to when you've done it with out a second thought for about as long as you can remember. Anyways this journal believe it or not has been cutting down on the burden my friends have to bear.
I'm a very vocal person and I show my emotions on my face. I also hold onto things too tightly. I'm an eternal optimist and so often times I don't know when to let go. And this has been known to bite me in the ass. So often times, I can be a bit much.
So trying to find peace with yourself and with your past can be challenging when its hard to let things lie. I've closed myself off. If someone invites me out, its sometimes hard for me to find reasons to go. I question all aspects when in this time of my life I should be living. I'm also a bit of an old soul so I feel like I should always be the responsible one in situations. I never like to get into anything where you cant get out of it. In other words I'm pretty boring and I hate taking risks.
My approach to dating right now is very similar to that of a hermit crabs'. I like to stay where it is safe. I like to stay in my comfortable skin. I never really go out of my box, and I don't really let anyone in to see who I really am. I go very slow and I'm shy at first. I was set up on a double date with two guys and my roommate about a week ago. Suffice to say, they both probably liked both of us, but they liked her more because she has more of an outgoing attitude. Whilst I was being quiet and shy.
Also, what most college men expect on a first date, is way different than what I expect to happen. In other words, they are lucky to be kissed at the door.
Something that has also been helping is learning about other relationships that fell apart. I saw a video done by a friend about love and heart break. Just some of those experiences and times that other people have gone through with similar emotions makes me feel like this island I feel like I'm on, isn't so isolated.
I'm not the only person in the world who has gone through heart break and survived.
I'm not the only one that has had to find reasons why they like them self again.
I'm not the only one whose just cried for no apparent reason because a trigger set them off.
I'm not the only one who misses human interaction and having someone always there. I had a band concert last week and my family couldn't make it which was fine because I saw them about a week beforehand. I didn't realize how alone I was until I looked up into the audience and didn't see a face looking for me.
I'm not the only one who has had to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are an attractive human being. Because its hard to get back out there and feel attractive again when you still have the weight of your last relationship on your shoulders.
I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of dating someone new as a peak too high to climb.
Getting hurt and then putting yourself out there to get possibly hurt again. And then what? Does the cycle repeat? No thanks, i'm good right now. I don't like the risk.
I really wish life and the pursuit of happiness had a guide book . Like a list or a recipe or an instruction manual. Something to break it all down into little bite-sized steps. Like if you do this, you will find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Maybe i'm just too Disney princess.
But what I've really learned through all of this, is that I need to learn to love myself. That yes I am human. And yes I make mistakes and that I shouldn't be that hard on myself because of it. Sure the sea of men that I thought would be after me right now is about the size of well a drop of water, but I think that's alright for now. I'm too much of an emotional roller coaster to bring another person along for the ride.
But
I hope that soon, I can.
As my dad said when I told him about my aching heart, that I need to focus on myself, version 2.0. Which I'm working on. I try to think of a list of characteristics I know to be true of myself and that are positive when i'm having a bad day. Or I just look at what dad wrote and I know that to be true.
So here's a list of characteristics I know to be true.
I am strong. Much stronger than I believe sometimes.
I am smart.
I have a voice.
I am beautiful.
I know that life has mountains and valleys, and this too will pass.
I know that I am perfect just the way I am.
I know that I have high standards, and that's OK. I respect and value myself enough to raise these.
I know that all this struggle will be worth it.
I know that I can make it through this.
So, I'm gonna like me, No matter what.
I guess you could say that sometimes loving yourself is easier said than done.
I always preach about loving yourself and acceptance. But often times I don't hold myself to the same standards. I've always known that I am one of the harshest critics of myself. But I didn't realize how harsh until just recently.
As some of you may have heard, being back in the single pool hasn't been the easiest of transitions. Sure its been over 3 months since Grant and I broke up, but I still catch little whims of what we were.
Just the other day I found an envelope I had used for a valentines day scavenger hunt. There used to be little paper hearts I had cut out and wrote little things I loved about him on them and all tucked inside said envelope. The hearts were gone but the memories and the tradition was not.
Or just yesterday I did this flirty little snap and wink thing that he had initially first done to woo me. Suffice to say, the connections are being cut and fading but, there are those triggers that bring them up.
The dress I got from him for Christmas last year. I still love it, but I cant bring myself to wear it.
The earrings from our first anniversary
Anytime I think of hockey, Qdoba or Canada.
For Halloween this year I had to think of an individual costume.
I'm using a journal as a catcher of all of my emotions so that close friends don't have to endure every aspect. Its a method of self soothing.
If you didn't know, I often talk to myself as a way to reassure ideas. Sometimes people are supposed to hear what I'm muttering and sometimes they are not. I narrate my life which can be a bit of an annoyance to other people so I've tried to mute it. But its really difficult to when you've done it with out a second thought for about as long as you can remember. Anyways this journal believe it or not has been cutting down on the burden my friends have to bear.
I'm a very vocal person and I show my emotions on my face. I also hold onto things too tightly. I'm an eternal optimist and so often times I don't know when to let go. And this has been known to bite me in the ass. So often times, I can be a bit much.
So trying to find peace with yourself and with your past can be challenging when its hard to let things lie. I've closed myself off. If someone invites me out, its sometimes hard for me to find reasons to go. I question all aspects when in this time of my life I should be living. I'm also a bit of an old soul so I feel like I should always be the responsible one in situations. I never like to get into anything where you cant get out of it. In other words I'm pretty boring and I hate taking risks.
My approach to dating right now is very similar to that of a hermit crabs'. I like to stay where it is safe. I like to stay in my comfortable skin. I never really go out of my box, and I don't really let anyone in to see who I really am. I go very slow and I'm shy at first. I was set up on a double date with two guys and my roommate about a week ago. Suffice to say, they both probably liked both of us, but they liked her more because she has more of an outgoing attitude. Whilst I was being quiet and shy.
Also, what most college men expect on a first date, is way different than what I expect to happen. In other words, they are lucky to be kissed at the door.
Something that has also been helping is learning about other relationships that fell apart. I saw a video done by a friend about love and heart break. Just some of those experiences and times that other people have gone through with similar emotions makes me feel like this island I feel like I'm on, isn't so isolated.
I'm not the only person in the world who has gone through heart break and survived.
I'm not the only one that has had to find reasons why they like them self again.
I'm not the only one whose just cried for no apparent reason because a trigger set them off.
I'm not the only one who misses human interaction and having someone always there. I had a band concert last week and my family couldn't make it which was fine because I saw them about a week beforehand. I didn't realize how alone I was until I looked up into the audience and didn't see a face looking for me.
I'm not the only one who has had to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are an attractive human being. Because its hard to get back out there and feel attractive again when you still have the weight of your last relationship on your shoulders.
I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of dating someone new as a peak too high to climb.
Getting hurt and then putting yourself out there to get possibly hurt again. And then what? Does the cycle repeat? No thanks, i'm good right now. I don't like the risk.
I really wish life and the pursuit of happiness had a guide book . Like a list or a recipe or an instruction manual. Something to break it all down into little bite-sized steps. Like if you do this, you will find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Maybe i'm just too Disney princess.
But what I've really learned through all of this, is that I need to learn to love myself. That yes I am human. And yes I make mistakes and that I shouldn't be that hard on myself because of it. Sure the sea of men that I thought would be after me right now is about the size of well a drop of water, but I think that's alright for now. I'm too much of an emotional roller coaster to bring another person along for the ride.
But
I hope that soon, I can.
As my dad said when I told him about my aching heart, that I need to focus on myself, version 2.0. Which I'm working on. I try to think of a list of characteristics I know to be true of myself and that are positive when i'm having a bad day. Or I just look at what dad wrote and I know that to be true.
So here's a list of characteristics I know to be true.
I am strong. Much stronger than I believe sometimes.
I am smart.
I have a voice.
I am beautiful.
I know that life has mountains and valleys, and this too will pass.
I know that I am perfect just the way I am.
I know that I have high standards, and that's OK. I respect and value myself enough to raise these.
I know that all this struggle will be worth it.
I know that I can make it through this.
So, I'm gonna like me, No matter what.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The ache
Hello all,
Well, its been a while since I've done this. Life is crazy as usual and right now I cant seem to find motivation to do homework. So what do I do? Write.
My heart lately has just ached. I think it all started when Bri passed away. I realized that this girl who could literally kick your ass if you got on her wrong side, just died. Like one minute she was perfectly fine and the next she was gone. I still haven't gone to see her memorial near Mancos yet. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. But I had so many ideas about what our apartment would be like. I thought "maybe this time, this roommate will work out".
But life likes to throw you mountains sometimes. It still shocks me to this day that I don't find her in the kitchen in the apartment we picked out and signed a lease for in early May. Jesus was it really that long ago? Did that all really happen?
When people ask how my summer was I initially said really hard, then challenging. Now since I don't want to explain what exactly happened, I just say that it was fine. I Don't exactly want to dump on everyone what my summer was actually like. Bri died near the end of June and then a little over a month later, Grant and I broke up. So initially I started off the summer with a boyfriend and a roommate I adored. And at the end of the summer I had no boyfriend and another wonderful roommate I adored. I am so thankful I found Annamarie to live with. We work so well together, but I cant help but just feel like Bri in some way is still watching over all of this. Her wild spirit. God I miss her.
So pretty much, all of my relationships at the beginning of the summer had been turned upside down by the end.
In the case of Grant and I there's really no person to blame. We just grew apart. Its as simple as that. I learned that its better to be single than be in a relationship where the people are going in different directions. We have both just found different paths to take in life. And believe it or not, we are still friends. Though its tough to not feel the ache of missing that person. Hell it was almost 2 years that we were together. That's longer than a lot of marriages. We learned a lot about each other and what its like to be in love. I know for a long time we were in love and then like 2 trees we just grew towards 2 different suns. And for a time we both thought we would end up together. But life has a funny way of jumbling things up in our world. We learned that even though we weren't right for each other in the end, we will still remain friends. We talked the other day about our lives, and in a weird way, its starting to feel normal. He will always hold a place in my heart but its full of good memories and of growing up. We just were not right for each other, and that's OK.
But trying to get back out into the dating world can be scary, Quite frankly some days I don't know if I am ready. When you break up with someone, you have this overwhelming amount of almost guilt. Like maybe if I had done something different we would still be together. I have this nagging tendency to not let something die until I fully give up on it. I have always wanted to fix things. Like some days I wish that I could go back and just flip a switch or go back in time. I wish I could go back to the middle of June and tell Bri to be safe, and that I was excited to live with her. I don't think Grant or I are to be blamed for what happened. Neither of us cheated. We were just like that Robert Frost poem. We were on the same road in this crazy journey of life, and then we went our separate ways. And along the way we fell out of love. Which is really hard to get over because we were each others first real relationship.
So suffice it to say, after nearly 2 years of being with the same person and then it suddenly ends, i'm back to square one. Not sure on who i'm going to end up in life with. Not sure really whats happening now. But what I do know is that you cannot be afraid to take risks and challenges. Not a single person gets out of this life alive so why not try something new. Right now i'm letting my heart heal from the emotional stress of the summer, but that doesn't mean I don't want to meet people. I know some more things about myself that I didn't know at the beginning of the summer. And in some really odd way, I've grown closer to the crazy group of people I like to call my family.My mom will agree that yes I had a challenging summer, but I also had a big growing summer. I believe in myself more than I did at the beginning of May.
I'm going out on a limb, and technically I've gone on one date. Right now i'm protecting my heart but I also know that college is a social time, so i'm also going out and meeting new people. I've become more outgoing, if that's even possible. And I've had some fun.
But this whole love and the meaning of life thing, I haven't figured out yet. Heck, i'm only 20! I think i'm allowed to live a little for now.
So, that's my life as it stands now!
"Courage comes from not always being right, but not fearing to be wrong"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Well, its been a while since I've done this. Life is crazy as usual and right now I cant seem to find motivation to do homework. So what do I do? Write.
My heart lately has just ached. I think it all started when Bri passed away. I realized that this girl who could literally kick your ass if you got on her wrong side, just died. Like one minute she was perfectly fine and the next she was gone. I still haven't gone to see her memorial near Mancos yet. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. But I had so many ideas about what our apartment would be like. I thought "maybe this time, this roommate will work out".
But life likes to throw you mountains sometimes. It still shocks me to this day that I don't find her in the kitchen in the apartment we picked out and signed a lease for in early May. Jesus was it really that long ago? Did that all really happen?
When people ask how my summer was I initially said really hard, then challenging. Now since I don't want to explain what exactly happened, I just say that it was fine. I Don't exactly want to dump on everyone what my summer was actually like. Bri died near the end of June and then a little over a month later, Grant and I broke up. So initially I started off the summer with a boyfriend and a roommate I adored. And at the end of the summer I had no boyfriend and another wonderful roommate I adored. I am so thankful I found Annamarie to live with. We work so well together, but I cant help but just feel like Bri in some way is still watching over all of this. Her wild spirit. God I miss her.
So pretty much, all of my relationships at the beginning of the summer had been turned upside down by the end.
In the case of Grant and I there's really no person to blame. We just grew apart. Its as simple as that. I learned that its better to be single than be in a relationship where the people are going in different directions. We have both just found different paths to take in life. And believe it or not, we are still friends. Though its tough to not feel the ache of missing that person. Hell it was almost 2 years that we were together. That's longer than a lot of marriages. We learned a lot about each other and what its like to be in love. I know for a long time we were in love and then like 2 trees we just grew towards 2 different suns. And for a time we both thought we would end up together. But life has a funny way of jumbling things up in our world. We learned that even though we weren't right for each other in the end, we will still remain friends. We talked the other day about our lives, and in a weird way, its starting to feel normal. He will always hold a place in my heart but its full of good memories and of growing up. We just were not right for each other, and that's OK.
But trying to get back out into the dating world can be scary, Quite frankly some days I don't know if I am ready. When you break up with someone, you have this overwhelming amount of almost guilt. Like maybe if I had done something different we would still be together. I have this nagging tendency to not let something die until I fully give up on it. I have always wanted to fix things. Like some days I wish that I could go back and just flip a switch or go back in time. I wish I could go back to the middle of June and tell Bri to be safe, and that I was excited to live with her. I don't think Grant or I are to be blamed for what happened. Neither of us cheated. We were just like that Robert Frost poem. We were on the same road in this crazy journey of life, and then we went our separate ways. And along the way we fell out of love. Which is really hard to get over because we were each others first real relationship.
So suffice it to say, after nearly 2 years of being with the same person and then it suddenly ends, i'm back to square one. Not sure on who i'm going to end up in life with. Not sure really whats happening now. But what I do know is that you cannot be afraid to take risks and challenges. Not a single person gets out of this life alive so why not try something new. Right now i'm letting my heart heal from the emotional stress of the summer, but that doesn't mean I don't want to meet people. I know some more things about myself that I didn't know at the beginning of the summer. And in some really odd way, I've grown closer to the crazy group of people I like to call my family.My mom will agree that yes I had a challenging summer, but I also had a big growing summer. I believe in myself more than I did at the beginning of May.
I'm going out on a limb, and technically I've gone on one date. Right now i'm protecting my heart but I also know that college is a social time, so i'm also going out and meeting new people. I've become more outgoing, if that's even possible. And I've had some fun.
But this whole love and the meaning of life thing, I haven't figured out yet. Heck, i'm only 20! I think i'm allowed to live a little for now.
So, that's my life as it stands now!
"Courage comes from not always being right, but not fearing to be wrong"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
19- Last year as a "teenager"
Once again I am writing my annual what the heck did I learn this year as a 19 year old female
Well first off
Life is hard
As in really hard.
My 19th year didn't start off so well with my mom having to go to the hospital and being hospitalized until new years eve. She had just undergone her last chemo about a week or so prior so her immune system was down already and then she didn't want to ruin the holidays so she braved all the germs from seeing so many people and ended up being hospitalized. But she got out in time for the new year. That was really scary.
Another thing I learned is that having your first new years kiss is fantastic. Ringing in 2013 with a bunch of people I care about and getting to start it with Grant was great!
Netflix is the devil when trying to be productive!
I learned that mastectomies are scary as well. Trying to hold back tears are you try to explain to your teachers that you will have your phone on you and if it starts ringing the reason why is really difficult. But we made it through and I wish I had been home for the recovery process.
Valentines day is great with a boyfriend.
Support can come from unexpected places. My roommate Tori and I got along fine, we weren't super close but she supported me when times were sometimes scary with my mom.
I learned that ethnic food is amazing! Indian, Mexican or Chinese! I'm all over that!
I learned that I am so much more powerful and motivated than I ever thought possible. I can get sh*t done!
I smile a lot more now.
I learned that all those years of blowing out candles and wishing for a good guy to love me finally came true. I fall in love with the most wonderful man a little bit more every day :)
Highways are not nearly as scary as I originally thought.
I learned that you cant let what other people say hurt your heart. If someone doesn't like how you do something or doesn't like who you are or perhaps how you tune your D flat and then decides to embarrass you. Just brush it off. You have so many more people behind you that know you better and know how far you can go and you don't need those voices holding you back. Show them all wrong and don't let them take away your love of something. I almost didn't do band this semester because this one stupid guy decided to embarrass me and I took it to heart and it really ruined my semester of band. But then I brushed it off because you know what? I am doing this class for fun! this is something I love to do! So no one can take that away from me!
Leggings are fantastic!
I found that I'm a lot braver than I thought possible
at camp I would sometimes have to walk back to the cabin in the dark, and it was scary as well but I did it! And I can officially deal with spiders for the most part!
Wear solid color underwear when wearing white Bermuda shorts. Awkward golfing moment...
I learned that to fully love someone you have to love yourself even in the tininiest bit. I for the longest time didn't like what I saw in the mirror. But little by little and with a lot of help from family and friends and colleges and the community I am slowly starting to like what I see. Yes I am tall. Yes I am not that coordinated and sometimes I'm a little scatterbrained, but you know what I'm going to like all those things some day!
This year went by really quick!
And I am really lucky! I am so thankful for all the support and love I have received and I cannot believe where I am. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for all the fantastic people in my life! thank you!
Well first off
Life is hard
As in really hard.
My 19th year didn't start off so well with my mom having to go to the hospital and being hospitalized until new years eve. She had just undergone her last chemo about a week or so prior so her immune system was down already and then she didn't want to ruin the holidays so she braved all the germs from seeing so many people and ended up being hospitalized. But she got out in time for the new year. That was really scary.
Another thing I learned is that having your first new years kiss is fantastic. Ringing in 2013 with a bunch of people I care about and getting to start it with Grant was great!
Netflix is the devil when trying to be productive!
I learned that mastectomies are scary as well. Trying to hold back tears are you try to explain to your teachers that you will have your phone on you and if it starts ringing the reason why is really difficult. But we made it through and I wish I had been home for the recovery process.
Valentines day is great with a boyfriend.
Support can come from unexpected places. My roommate Tori and I got along fine, we weren't super close but she supported me when times were sometimes scary with my mom.
I learned that ethnic food is amazing! Indian, Mexican or Chinese! I'm all over that!
I learned that I am so much more powerful and motivated than I ever thought possible. I can get sh*t done!
I smile a lot more now.
I learned that all those years of blowing out candles and wishing for a good guy to love me finally came true. I fall in love with the most wonderful man a little bit more every day :)
Highways are not nearly as scary as I originally thought.
I learned that you cant let what other people say hurt your heart. If someone doesn't like how you do something or doesn't like who you are or perhaps how you tune your D flat and then decides to embarrass you. Just brush it off. You have so many more people behind you that know you better and know how far you can go and you don't need those voices holding you back. Show them all wrong and don't let them take away your love of something. I almost didn't do band this semester because this one stupid guy decided to embarrass me and I took it to heart and it really ruined my semester of band. But then I brushed it off because you know what? I am doing this class for fun! this is something I love to do! So no one can take that away from me!
Leggings are fantastic!
I found that I'm a lot braver than I thought possible
at camp I would sometimes have to walk back to the cabin in the dark, and it was scary as well but I did it! And I can officially deal with spiders for the most part!
Wear solid color underwear when wearing white Bermuda shorts. Awkward golfing moment...
I learned that to fully love someone you have to love yourself even in the tininiest bit. I for the longest time didn't like what I saw in the mirror. But little by little and with a lot of help from family and friends and colleges and the community I am slowly starting to like what I see. Yes I am tall. Yes I am not that coordinated and sometimes I'm a little scatterbrained, but you know what I'm going to like all those things some day!
This year went by really quick!
And I am really lucky! I am so thankful for all the support and love I have received and I cannot believe where I am. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for all the fantastic people in my life! thank you!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
18- the legal adult year
once again i am writing my yearly what i learned this year
so here it is
somethings i've learned
- new years resolutions that you keep are the best- this year i kept my first one. thank you miranda for not giving up on our friendship and i'm glad we got through our rough patch :) you have taught me so much with your compassion to work with me, and i think one of the reasons i grew up and didnt worry as much was because of what you did.
- and also your new years resolutions dont have to be huge. something as small as trying to work on a friendship and move past problems or trying to be fearless. that was this years new years resolution. to be fearless and i think this year i did a pretty good job. i did things i never thought possible and i'm so proud of what i accomplished.
- also dont be afraid to go outside of your comfort level. i danced and sang in my schools musical and i had so much fun just being myself and doing something different. i wish i had been in more shows and hadnt been afraid of what i was capable of. i had told myself for years that i wasnt the theatre type, that i couldnt sing and dance and i didnt have the guts to go on stage and do that. and i did
-also know your cars limits. if it says check gages, get gas now, dont wait 3 days of driving to school and then as your going up a hill run out of gas and roll part of the way down and then have to walk back to school.
- shoot for your stars and take risks. and i say your stars because we all have our own dreams and aspirations, so they are your stars, nobody elses.
- dont get a fantasy image about your senior prom. not worth it, just have fun and enjoy your night.
- i wanted to be a student speaker at my graduation since my freshman year and i saw Jenn Gentrys speech and she mentioned Mr. Melhorn and something about Pokemon. and i did it. i spoke in front of 10,000 people. and i was fine. it was so scary but somehow i did it. so go out on a limb and shoot for your stars. and someday you'll reach them
- also- get a real job over the summer- that way you dont have to baby sit kids that make you want to pull out your hair- not your kids amy and paul, or monika.
-stay with what makes you happy. playing music and keeping with it through college makes me so happy. i honestly skip to band :) and if you find a professor that cares about you, let them care for you, let them know about whats happening in your life, because those professors are few and far between. i cannot thank Dr. Walters enough
for college bound kids
- DONT BE AFRAID OF GOING TO SCHOOL. tons of kids are doing exactly what you are doing and moving away from home to a new school and living in a dorm with new people and a new environment.
RELAX. take a deep breath. your not going to die and everyone else is in the exact same boat. dont worry about it. enjoy the experience and drink it all in.
- stay in touch with some of your friends from high school, but let go others, i've become better friends with some while others fall through the cracks. its all a part of life, and its ok :)
- dont be afraid of the kids in your dorm. i was so afraid to go down into our common area and talk to a random stranger because i was afraid they would judge me. but inside were all pretty much the same, we want to have friends and to feel accepted and if you treat someone how you want to be treated theres no way they will judge you.
- and college is about being yourself and finding who you are. i've learned alot more this year by having a humble heart and listening ear instead of a massive ego and loud mouth. remember to be a learner and everyone has their own story to tell so be able to listen.
- make some friends. i thought my roommate and i would be best friends forever, but that didnt happen. you can try and try to be someones friend but if they dont want to be yours then you cant do a thing about it. i tried to force a friendship and it just backfired and i ended up hurt. dont beat yourself up if it didnt work with one person. sometimes people just dont click and thats ok. dont cry yourself to sleep and stay up for hours thinking about what you did wrong, sometimes its not you. and thats fine. you dont have to be friends with everyone.
- be open to friendships. i found one of my best friends in one of the most unexpected places and i thought Hallie and i wouldnt click for some reason and getting to know her and hear here story and who she was, we have become really good friends and i am proud to call her my friend. we're planning on getting an appartment together next year and i cant wait! i love this girl to death!!
and i met Mae and Taylor through band because Mae was another bassoonist and and Taylor was the bass clarinet that sat next to me. we went to Moab a few weeks ago and had an amazing adventure because i had never done anything so crazy before! and i will miss Taylor next semester because shes not taking band :/
- off that note, dont judge a book by its cover. i was afraid of some of the people in my dorm or people in my classes because of how they looked, but getting to know them i'm alot more open and unafraid. i can pretty much talk to anyone now, and thats amazing to me. i'm friends with people i never thought in a million years i would be friends with. i was always the girl in the band, all my friends were music people. i'm now friends with all different types of people who come from all different places with all different backgrounds and tastes and sexual preferences and interests and morals than me. AND THATS FINE! you wont die. i promise.
GO TO ORIENTATION. IT SEEMS NERDY BUT ITS INFORMATIONAL AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU'LL MEET :)
- make one friend in each class. i would just look for an open spot next to someone that looked nice, ask if that spot was taken, sit down and introduce myself. it helps alot if you cant remember the homework or need just help or someone to bounce ideas off of or a person in your group. thanks misa, katie, sara, mae,taylor, and kira :)
- dont wait until the last minute to do an assignment
-do your homework in a timely manner
- dont get sucked into the partying lifestyle, its a bad road to go down, you can party but be smart about it and dont do it on week days
- dont piss off your roommate, respect them and their space and who they are and dont pry into their lives
- your RA is a cool person, unless they're laura, then dont go there.
-GO TO EVERY SINGLE CLASS. ATTENDANCE USUALLY COUNTS FOR YOUR GRADE. and that 10-15% can mean alot if youre hanging between one and another
-be respectful of your professors. they've been around the block a few times. they know this
- dont do anything that makes you really question yourself. sure this is college and you're going to live it up, but dont go party and drink and do drugs if your heart and head are screaming NO!
- school comes first, then partying. remember if you want to stay at this school where all your new friends are and keep the life you have and all the freedom, then make homework and school a priority.
on relationships
- you will find that person in a place you never expected. this is totally true. i thought orientation would be so awful and i thought i wouldnt learn anything and be bored. i came out of it with some memories, a bad sunburn and a while later, a boy i met there.his name is Grant :) hes pretty freaking wonderful
-i thought Grant liked someone else at orientation, apparently he didnt :) i thought i would be chasing him for months, it wasnt months guys:) sometimes your wrong about relationships
- be open to relationships. not all guys are the same. i had terrible luck in highschool and i thought i was butt ugly because no one liked me. first day of college i meet the man of my dreams. i was so scared that it was going to fall through my fingers again and then this one didnt. and we got to our 1 month and it seemed like no time had gone by, then we go to our two month, then three, our four month is in a little more than three days. FOUR MONTHS PEOPLE!! i am so happy to have him.
- so what i guess i'm trying to tell you is, love comes in unexpected places. he was tall athletic and very nice, totally my type, but he wasnt going to fall for a nerdy band girl with self esteem issues. somehow he did :) and i'm thankful everyday i have him :)
- love is out there for you and you just have to be open to it. soak it all in. its wonderful
- but remember to guard your heart, this is you and respect yourself and your body and your feelings and make sure you are respected too.you deserve to be treated how you want to be treated. and if a person isnt doing that than they dont deserve to have someone as wonderful as you in their life.
the rest of life
- people will always suprise you
- be prepared for anything and be flexible. its not whats thrown at you that matters, its how you take it.
- love all, trust a few, do wrong to none- william shakespeare
- just because your a legal adult, doesnt make you a real adult, you still have alot of growing up to do.
- you still need your mom and dad. even though you say you dont, you cant deny there is nothing better then going home to your parents after weeks away :)
- family isnt who you are born into, sure there are those related to you that you love, but also those unrelated that care for you, those are family too :)
life is precious and wonderful and dont forget that. i've definitely learned that this year. my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer on august 8th 2012. and i went off to school 2 weeks after. and you know what? we lived through it. people came out of the wood work and helped us and supported us and i cant thank all of them enough. or the conneticut shootings. i had a class of 1st and 2nd graders my junior year of teacher cadet and i couldnt imagine what all those young children are going through. so much horror and pain. but 2012 i believe has been about buckling down and rising from the ashes. we will rise and next year will be better.
live laugh and love alot
be who you are and say what you feel
and i will love you for it
"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."
-and william shakespeare was a wise man, read some more of his work
i love you all
<3 <3 <3
so here it is
somethings i've learned
- new years resolutions that you keep are the best- this year i kept my first one. thank you miranda for not giving up on our friendship and i'm glad we got through our rough patch :) you have taught me so much with your compassion to work with me, and i think one of the reasons i grew up and didnt worry as much was because of what you did.
- and also your new years resolutions dont have to be huge. something as small as trying to work on a friendship and move past problems or trying to be fearless. that was this years new years resolution. to be fearless and i think this year i did a pretty good job. i did things i never thought possible and i'm so proud of what i accomplished.
- also dont be afraid to go outside of your comfort level. i danced and sang in my schools musical and i had so much fun just being myself and doing something different. i wish i had been in more shows and hadnt been afraid of what i was capable of. i had told myself for years that i wasnt the theatre type, that i couldnt sing and dance and i didnt have the guts to go on stage and do that. and i did
-also know your cars limits. if it says check gages, get gas now, dont wait 3 days of driving to school and then as your going up a hill run out of gas and roll part of the way down and then have to walk back to school.
- shoot for your stars and take risks. and i say your stars because we all have our own dreams and aspirations, so they are your stars, nobody elses.
- dont get a fantasy image about your senior prom. not worth it, just have fun and enjoy your night.
- i wanted to be a student speaker at my graduation since my freshman year and i saw Jenn Gentrys speech and she mentioned Mr. Melhorn and something about Pokemon. and i did it. i spoke in front of 10,000 people. and i was fine. it was so scary but somehow i did it. so go out on a limb and shoot for your stars. and someday you'll reach them
- also- get a real job over the summer- that way you dont have to baby sit kids that make you want to pull out your hair- not your kids amy and paul, or monika.
-stay with what makes you happy. playing music and keeping with it through college makes me so happy. i honestly skip to band :) and if you find a professor that cares about you, let them care for you, let them know about whats happening in your life, because those professors are few and far between. i cannot thank Dr. Walters enough
for college bound kids
- DONT BE AFRAID OF GOING TO SCHOOL. tons of kids are doing exactly what you are doing and moving away from home to a new school and living in a dorm with new people and a new environment.
RELAX. take a deep breath. your not going to die and everyone else is in the exact same boat. dont worry about it. enjoy the experience and drink it all in.
- stay in touch with some of your friends from high school, but let go others, i've become better friends with some while others fall through the cracks. its all a part of life, and its ok :)
- dont be afraid of the kids in your dorm. i was so afraid to go down into our common area and talk to a random stranger because i was afraid they would judge me. but inside were all pretty much the same, we want to have friends and to feel accepted and if you treat someone how you want to be treated theres no way they will judge you.
- and college is about being yourself and finding who you are. i've learned alot more this year by having a humble heart and listening ear instead of a massive ego and loud mouth. remember to be a learner and everyone has their own story to tell so be able to listen.
- make some friends. i thought my roommate and i would be best friends forever, but that didnt happen. you can try and try to be someones friend but if they dont want to be yours then you cant do a thing about it. i tried to force a friendship and it just backfired and i ended up hurt. dont beat yourself up if it didnt work with one person. sometimes people just dont click and thats ok. dont cry yourself to sleep and stay up for hours thinking about what you did wrong, sometimes its not you. and thats fine. you dont have to be friends with everyone.
- be open to friendships. i found one of my best friends in one of the most unexpected places and i thought Hallie and i wouldnt click for some reason and getting to know her and hear here story and who she was, we have become really good friends and i am proud to call her my friend. we're planning on getting an appartment together next year and i cant wait! i love this girl to death!!
and i met Mae and Taylor through band because Mae was another bassoonist and and Taylor was the bass clarinet that sat next to me. we went to Moab a few weeks ago and had an amazing adventure because i had never done anything so crazy before! and i will miss Taylor next semester because shes not taking band :/
- off that note, dont judge a book by its cover. i was afraid of some of the people in my dorm or people in my classes because of how they looked, but getting to know them i'm alot more open and unafraid. i can pretty much talk to anyone now, and thats amazing to me. i'm friends with people i never thought in a million years i would be friends with. i was always the girl in the band, all my friends were music people. i'm now friends with all different types of people who come from all different places with all different backgrounds and tastes and sexual preferences and interests and morals than me. AND THATS FINE! you wont die. i promise.
GO TO ORIENTATION. IT SEEMS NERDY BUT ITS INFORMATIONAL AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU'LL MEET :)
- make one friend in each class. i would just look for an open spot next to someone that looked nice, ask if that spot was taken, sit down and introduce myself. it helps alot if you cant remember the homework or need just help or someone to bounce ideas off of or a person in your group. thanks misa, katie, sara, mae,taylor, and kira :)
- dont wait until the last minute to do an assignment
-do your homework in a timely manner
- dont get sucked into the partying lifestyle, its a bad road to go down, you can party but be smart about it and dont do it on week days
- dont piss off your roommate, respect them and their space and who they are and dont pry into their lives
- your RA is a cool person, unless they're laura, then dont go there.
-GO TO EVERY SINGLE CLASS. ATTENDANCE USUALLY COUNTS FOR YOUR GRADE. and that 10-15% can mean alot if youre hanging between one and another
-be respectful of your professors. they've been around the block a few times. they know this
- dont do anything that makes you really question yourself. sure this is college and you're going to live it up, but dont go party and drink and do drugs if your heart and head are screaming NO!
- school comes first, then partying. remember if you want to stay at this school where all your new friends are and keep the life you have and all the freedom, then make homework and school a priority.
on relationships
- you will find that person in a place you never expected. this is totally true. i thought orientation would be so awful and i thought i wouldnt learn anything and be bored. i came out of it with some memories, a bad sunburn and a while later, a boy i met there.his name is Grant :) hes pretty freaking wonderful
-i thought Grant liked someone else at orientation, apparently he didnt :) i thought i would be chasing him for months, it wasnt months guys:) sometimes your wrong about relationships
- be open to relationships. not all guys are the same. i had terrible luck in highschool and i thought i was butt ugly because no one liked me. first day of college i meet the man of my dreams. i was so scared that it was going to fall through my fingers again and then this one didnt. and we got to our 1 month and it seemed like no time had gone by, then we go to our two month, then three, our four month is in a little more than three days. FOUR MONTHS PEOPLE!! i am so happy to have him.
- so what i guess i'm trying to tell you is, love comes in unexpected places. he was tall athletic and very nice, totally my type, but he wasnt going to fall for a nerdy band girl with self esteem issues. somehow he did :) and i'm thankful everyday i have him :)
- love is out there for you and you just have to be open to it. soak it all in. its wonderful
- but remember to guard your heart, this is you and respect yourself and your body and your feelings and make sure you are respected too.you deserve to be treated how you want to be treated. and if a person isnt doing that than they dont deserve to have someone as wonderful as you in their life.
the rest of life
- people will always suprise you
- be prepared for anything and be flexible. its not whats thrown at you that matters, its how you take it.
- love all, trust a few, do wrong to none- william shakespeare
- just because your a legal adult, doesnt make you a real adult, you still have alot of growing up to do.
- you still need your mom and dad. even though you say you dont, you cant deny there is nothing better then going home to your parents after weeks away :)
- family isnt who you are born into, sure there are those related to you that you love, but also those unrelated that care for you, those are family too :)
life is precious and wonderful and dont forget that. i've definitely learned that this year. my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer on august 8th 2012. and i went off to school 2 weeks after. and you know what? we lived through it. people came out of the wood work and helped us and supported us and i cant thank all of them enough. or the conneticut shootings. i had a class of 1st and 2nd graders my junior year of teacher cadet and i couldnt imagine what all those young children are going through. so much horror and pain. but 2012 i believe has been about buckling down and rising from the ashes. we will rise and next year will be better.
live laugh and love alot
be who you are and say what you feel
and i will love you for it
"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."
-and william shakespeare was a wise man, read some more of his work
i love you all
<3 <3 <3
Sunday, September 2, 2012
So, this is college :)
wow!
so I'm old enough for this
yeah i guess so
i like it
no let me correct that
i love it!
so here are some of my experiences thus far
-There are so many new people of different backgrounds, cultures, personalities, sexualities and a lot of understanding for us all. Well from what I've seen for the most part. they stress a sense of openness and being able to get along with everyone. You may not like the person but being able to deal with them and be civil can go a long way.
-I have become so close with these 7 other amazing people and we have had so many crazy fun experiences in just the short amount of time together. Maren, Kevin, Grant, Kira, Anna, Emilie, and Nate :) You guys rock and I couldn't ask for a better group of crazies to go to movies or to have adventures with :)
- something magical happens the summer before college and all the boys suddenly turn into super attractive individuals :) best thing ever!!
-My roommate Maren is the cutest thing in the world. Shes about 5'3" and is obsessed with pink. I seriously wish i could show you all a picture of her side of the closet because it is all pink and her side of the room is all pink! You all thought I was girly. Shes even more! Isn't that crazy! but we get along so well and she is so funny and it is a huge relief that we get along so well and all of our friends are in the same group so that's nice :) and shes really laid back and chill so that helps a lot. and shes in band with me! how much better can it get?!? And we do all these random things. Like the other night the sprinklers were on and we ran through them at midnight and i was so cold! And we had sundress Friday where we both wore sundresses and she has defended and argued with a mean boy that was taking a picture I put on facebook, way over the top. She won :) And now we have glow in the dark stars to put on our ceiling just like were three again! And I'll be trying this stuff that is like Alaskan ice cream that's made with Crisco and berries and sugar. So its pretty cool :)
-you have to be or act healthy if your going to get anything done. i'm trying to drink water and eat fruits and veggies. and it helps actually :)
-I'm pretty sure Bader/Snyder is one of the most unique communities i have ever experienced. 2 am- lets slack line! there was a rock painting party a few days ago. and we go on hikes and plan trips and go to each others events. Although there was apparently a football game last night that i didn't go to.... oooops :) these people honestly never sleep! like ever! I'll walk through the campus at like midnight sometime and all the other areas will be really died down with only maybe 5 people total around most of the campus. But no in just our little area I usually see at least 15-20 out slack lining or doing hookah or singing at some godforsaken hour. Unless the sprinklers have come on, then there are maybe three :) But its so fun
-Our toilet in our suite is the scariest and loudest toilet in the world!! It seriously scared me a couple times in the first few days i was here.
-BAND IS AMAZING! Sorry i just had to put that in caps. But honestly the music is absolutely incredible. And Dr. Walters reminds me of Mr Melhorn so much. But hes a little more OCD. so we never waste a minute in that class. and everyone is so dedicated and i feel so welcomed and loved and i have only played in the full ensemble once this far. He is such a passionate and dedicated man and i feel so privileged just to be playing along with all these amazing musicians and to be directed by him.
-Breakfast is the hardest thing to eat in the morning. Bacon and eggs is not easy to even smell at 7 am,that's just me though
-Its so different than high school. So much more freedom but also more responsibility. No one is going to get you up in the morning if you forgot to set your alarm clock. You have to get up and eat breakfast. There is no one telling you that you should do your homework or to practice. Its all on your shoulders. Which is a good and bad thing. Mostly good though. You see if you are ready for all of this freedom and responsibility and in turn your college experience and grades express that.
- if you have a roommate the will buy you chaps stick after your favorite one looses its cap and gets you the kind that you like :) you are one lucky duck! dont forget that!
-And just the people are more friendly.I could honestly go up and talk to anyone because its a whole new beginning for me! And i enjoy doing that because it feels more like home. Actually one of the main reasons i chose Fort Lewis is because everyone here was so nice and genuine and i felt like i fit here :) and i do fit well :) there's not prejudice, just a wanting to get to know everyone and a very open feeling about and everyone is a lot more mature about drama. i have honestly not seen any and that is pretty incredible :) and the R.A's are really relaxed and trust you. and they don't try to skirt around the issues of like sex, drinking drugs and stuff. they know it will happen. what they try to do is to give us information to help us out in that situation. they know we are all now adults and treat us like that which i think is a very wonderful thing to have :)
I love college and i hope you all get to experience it sometime because it does honestly change you in a good way.In many ways i still am a little girl with big brown eyes, and i still like to eat chocolate and i miss my moms amazing cooking. but this independence and this freedom is an amazing and scary gift to have. I really love college and i couldn't think of a better transition to have from high school :)
i love you all and miss you and feel free to Skype me anytime!
i want to see your beautiful smiling face!
college is a great learning and growing experience and i feel so privileged to be able to experience it and be surrounded by a great group of people :)
thank you all
live
laugh
love a lot
live by the sun
love by the moon
smile some more
and be happy
<3 <3 <3
ohh and there's this boy :)
so I'm old enough for this
yeah i guess so
i like it
no let me correct that
i love it!
so here are some of my experiences thus far
-There are so many new people of different backgrounds, cultures, personalities, sexualities and a lot of understanding for us all. Well from what I've seen for the most part. they stress a sense of openness and being able to get along with everyone. You may not like the person but being able to deal with them and be civil can go a long way.
-I have become so close with these 7 other amazing people and we have had so many crazy fun experiences in just the short amount of time together. Maren, Kevin, Grant, Kira, Anna, Emilie, and Nate :) You guys rock and I couldn't ask for a better group of crazies to go to movies or to have adventures with :)
- something magical happens the summer before college and all the boys suddenly turn into super attractive individuals :) best thing ever!!
-My roommate Maren is the cutest thing in the world. Shes about 5'3" and is obsessed with pink. I seriously wish i could show you all a picture of her side of the closet because it is all pink and her side of the room is all pink! You all thought I was girly. Shes even more! Isn't that crazy! but we get along so well and she is so funny and it is a huge relief that we get along so well and all of our friends are in the same group so that's nice :) and shes really laid back and chill so that helps a lot. and shes in band with me! how much better can it get?!? And we do all these random things. Like the other night the sprinklers were on and we ran through them at midnight and i was so cold! And we had sundress Friday where we both wore sundresses and she has defended and argued with a mean boy that was taking a picture I put on facebook, way over the top. She won :) And now we have glow in the dark stars to put on our ceiling just like were three again! And I'll be trying this stuff that is like Alaskan ice cream that's made with Crisco and berries and sugar. So its pretty cool :)
-you have to be or act healthy if your going to get anything done. i'm trying to drink water and eat fruits and veggies. and it helps actually :)
-I'm pretty sure Bader/Snyder is one of the most unique communities i have ever experienced. 2 am- lets slack line! there was a rock painting party a few days ago. and we go on hikes and plan trips and go to each others events. Although there was apparently a football game last night that i didn't go to.... oooops :) these people honestly never sleep! like ever! I'll walk through the campus at like midnight sometime and all the other areas will be really died down with only maybe 5 people total around most of the campus. But no in just our little area I usually see at least 15-20 out slack lining or doing hookah or singing at some godforsaken hour. Unless the sprinklers have come on, then there are maybe three :) But its so fun
-Our toilet in our suite is the scariest and loudest toilet in the world!! It seriously scared me a couple times in the first few days i was here.
-BAND IS AMAZING! Sorry i just had to put that in caps. But honestly the music is absolutely incredible. And Dr. Walters reminds me of Mr Melhorn so much. But hes a little more OCD. so we never waste a minute in that class. and everyone is so dedicated and i feel so welcomed and loved and i have only played in the full ensemble once this far. He is such a passionate and dedicated man and i feel so privileged just to be playing along with all these amazing musicians and to be directed by him.
-Breakfast is the hardest thing to eat in the morning. Bacon and eggs is not easy to even smell at 7 am,that's just me though
-Its so different than high school. So much more freedom but also more responsibility. No one is going to get you up in the morning if you forgot to set your alarm clock. You have to get up and eat breakfast. There is no one telling you that you should do your homework or to practice. Its all on your shoulders. Which is a good and bad thing. Mostly good though. You see if you are ready for all of this freedom and responsibility and in turn your college experience and grades express that.
- if you have a roommate the will buy you chaps stick after your favorite one looses its cap and gets you the kind that you like :) you are one lucky duck! dont forget that!
-And just the people are more friendly.I could honestly go up and talk to anyone because its a whole new beginning for me! And i enjoy doing that because it feels more like home. Actually one of the main reasons i chose Fort Lewis is because everyone here was so nice and genuine and i felt like i fit here :) and i do fit well :) there's not prejudice, just a wanting to get to know everyone and a very open feeling about and everyone is a lot more mature about drama. i have honestly not seen any and that is pretty incredible :) and the R.A's are really relaxed and trust you. and they don't try to skirt around the issues of like sex, drinking drugs and stuff. they know it will happen. what they try to do is to give us information to help us out in that situation. they know we are all now adults and treat us like that which i think is a very wonderful thing to have :)
I love college and i hope you all get to experience it sometime because it does honestly change you in a good way.In many ways i still am a little girl with big brown eyes, and i still like to eat chocolate and i miss my moms amazing cooking. but this independence and this freedom is an amazing and scary gift to have. I really love college and i couldn't think of a better transition to have from high school :)
i love you all and miss you and feel free to Skype me anytime!
i want to see your beautiful smiling face!
college is a great learning and growing experience and i feel so privileged to be able to experience it and be surrounded by a great group of people :)
thank you all
live
laugh
love a lot
live by the sun
love by the moon
smile some more
and be happy
<3 <3 <3
ohh and there's this boy :)
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