20
I'm not going to lie. My 20th time around the sun was hard for me.
But those years of growth can sometimes be the most meaningful
And even though it wasn't perfect, as in most years, it was still a needed year.
Growing up is necessary and it is a part of life. Its natural and often scary.
But here we go, my 4th annual list of what I learned this year.
Food literature is not as fluffy as it seems. And Food lit in general was the best class ever.
Another New Years spent with a significant other is nice to have. Its nice to feel wanted and like you are somebody to someone.
College Spanish is a whole new ball game but I'm enjoying the challenge.
Even though I didn't get to do CMEA in high school, I finally got to do it in college and it was lovely.
Do not procrastinate projects. Ever. I'm still trying to learn that but its getting better.
I learned that life is extremely precious. And Bri was a wonderful friend but I never in a million years would have thought that she would pass away so soon. I guess no one really thinks that will happen. But I just assumed that Bri would go on her own terms. I still miss her and still some days its hard to believe she is actually gone. She was so fiery, bright and kind.
But out of this came something good. I met Annamarie and we are great together as roommates. We just have a very similar sense of humor and support each other when we need it.And were the weirdest possible pair of roommates you could ever find.
I learned that its hard to fully erase someone out of your life. I can never erase Grant or Bri. Grant will always be the first guy I ever loved. And Bri was a great friend of mine even though I didnt know her for all that long she meant something to me. All those pictures and memories cannot be erased but I can move past them. Its been 5 months since we broke up and 6 since Bri passed away.
I learned that I have very high standards. And that can make dating challenging when I'm not willing to relax a little bit on what I expect. But this is college so I need to relax a bit.
I learned I cannot get any measurable amount of work done if I'm not wearing a bra. How sad is that?
I learned that Panera is actually pretty fun because my coworkers are hilarious. I mean really, we juggle avocados in our free time.
I learned that Appaloosa Trading Company is where amazing people congregate to work. And even though most of us have quit, I still love all of you dearly. Kes, Eli, Sara, Adam, Tamara, Crystal and Annamarie. Love you all.
I learned to hold my head high and stand up for myself.
I learned journalism is my calling. I love it.
I learned that meaningful relationships are hard to come by. I am not one of those girls who will ever have a one night stand. I just get too attached to people I like and fall too hard.
I learned that heartbreaks may seem like the entire world is coming down, but if you wait it out and find yourself again, its a lot better.
I learned you can rekindle relationships. Hallie and I were a bit rocky when the summer started but this semester we've found our friendship again and I'm so glad that we have.
I learned that Utah is a gorgeous place. Zion and Arches in particular if you ever have a chance, GO!
The word "nice" or generic words that have no real deeper meaning are terrible. Please if you have to describe someone, use something other than nice. Here's an example-gregarious! Anything but nice!
I learned its better to be alone instead of lowering your standards. This doesnt not make me stuck up. This shows that I respect myself enough to have standards for someone who enters my life and I expect them to have the same for me. Its also better to be alone instead of being in a relationship that isnt going anywhere.
I have found and embraced that I am an old soul. I like to knit and I'm very careful about how people perceive me. I need to relax a bit on the latter but I know that its OK to have an old soul.
I found that wanderlust is wonderful. And I want to live in Germany or go back and visit sometime soon. France not so much but Germany in a freaking heartbeat.
I found loving yourself is a lot harder than I ever thought possible. Its getting better but there's still days where I'm the hardest person on myself. I really need to learn to love every bit of me.
Any time with your best friend eating ice cream can fix just about anything, Thank you Nick for starting the healing process with that pint of icecream that I mostly ate.....
I've learned to love my curves. Somehow I was blessed with a small waist and I think beautiful curves. I will eat what I please and be healthy, but I will never starve myself to make myself look a certain way. Food is the answer!
I love being an editor for the Indy. Having my name and picture in a publication is so satisfying and I cannot wait for what we will accomplish in the next years!
Its also better to have a few good friends at your side than a horde of fair weather friends. Or if you just have a roommate that is up for random adventures, that's always good too.
I have found I am a feminist. No i do not burn my bras, because A- I love my bras. B- I wouldn't get any work done without them. C- They are pretty damn expensive! I just believe in equality and I think its shameful that our country hasn't figured out how to pay men and women the same for the same work.
I learned that I am 70 inches tall and I should strut every inch of what I have.
Make lots of friends in your hard classes. That way you can all help each other and make amazing projects. I don't know what I would have done without Allie, Lainey and Louis in my media production class.
MRIs are scary things but they answer scary questions about heart conditions. My MRI in August came back clear so were all good guys!
Toad in a hole is the best breakfast EVER.... thank you Sean.
I learned that if you slowly ease back into the dating pool its a lot better. Sure I wanted to dive right in but I felt guilty if I went too fast. Sure its good to experiment but know where your heart is and he meant something to me, so I couldn't just get back out there. I took my time and I think 2015 will be the year when I begin again.
Which leads me to the song Begin Again by Taylor Swift. It is pretty much the only song I've listened to every day for the past few months. Actually Taylor Swift in general is just a bad ass and I wish I could be her for a day.
Liam Payne is gorgeous and Remi has me hooked now on One direction, Crap.
I learned that I am stronger today than I was yesterday,
That I should not doubt my capabilities.
That every scar, every freckle and every curve of mine is beautiful.
I know that 2014 was a hard year for me but i can just feel that 2015 is a good year.
I refuse to let anyone get in my way and i know that next year will be better.
So goodbye 20, hello 21
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Myla Dalbesio
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean really looked at yourself?
Looked at the wonder that you are.
It seems weird, but recently I have been looking at myself. And for the first time in a really long time. I actually like all that I see.
Sure I may not be the skinniest girl, or the fittest but I like what I am.
And I think one of the main steps into liking who I am as a person is to first accept what I see in the mirror.
Sure some days the make up doesn't want to go on how I want to. Hell the other day I had to try to put on foundation three times because it just wasn't working. I'd apply a layer and then it wouldn't look like I want for some reason or another, and I would take it off and try again. On the third try I finally was so fed up with it that I just dealt with what the make up gods decided to give me that day.
The make up not working isn't the important part. Its the process. Not only do most women feel insecure with out make up on, but having to apply it over and over again just to be happy with yourself is the problem.
Sure there are parts of me I love and those I don't.
My thighs and my stomach. As most women have those problem areas as well. I have beautiful curves, what are you going to do?
The other day, I was editing a video for my media production class and there's a clip of me in a crop top with leggings and a good portion of my stomach and waist is showing. One of my good friends in that class Allie remarked that "you have a ridiculous waist". And I said that "that was a skinny day".
Why do I have to make excuses for looking good? Is there all that much difference between a "skinny" day and a "fat" day?
I have a small waist, yes. But I was just made that way. I have a rib cage that narrows towards the bottom.
Just like I was made with a narrowed aorta and that's why now I have a hooked scar on my left shoulder. To remind me that I was perfectly made.
To remind me that every part of me is beautiful. Even the scary parts. Even the hooked scar. Even the mushroom shaped scar. Even the emotional scars.
That life is scary and that at the end of the day, the only person you can really count on for making your day better is yourself. The entire world can tell you that you are the most beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, desirable woman in the world. But until YOU believe and can look in the mirror and see the beauty not only inside you but also so you can look past the scary parts and see the beautiful ones, that's when you are truly beautiful.
I saw a ten minute video about Myla Dalbesio. She is a new model for Calvin Klein and is a size 10. Which is around what I am. This beautiful woman with wonderful curves talks about self acceptance and at the end of the video we see her in just her bra and underwear. She looks like any normal woman. Not the most tone, but healthy. Just her sitting there reminded me that, I am beautiful no matter what size.
She is considered a plus size model. The lovely vibrant woman with all of her wonderful curves that looks like so many american woman is, considered plus size!
It really struck me how we value beauty to be a certain size. Size 0. Like any of us are really that size! That these willowy woman get to decide what is beautiful. Just think about how amazing a dress looks on a size 0 versus a size 10. That hourglass figure is where beautiful is at!
There were tryouts for a fashion show that was going to be going on at FLC later on this month. And girls had to be a certain height, and have certain measurements. I looked at what the designers professional website asked for, And I realized, I wasn't going to fit. They had said that sizes and height was negotiable, but I was so afraid that I was going to be the "fat" girl that I didn't even think about trying out. I even measured myself to see what I really was and even though I was a few inches off in some places, I still pushed it out of my mind. I didn't want to have to go up against these stick thin girls with perfectly flat stomachs and toned thighs.
I am a beautiful woman. AND I NEED TO REALIZE THAT!
YOU NEVER NEED TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!
Why do we pin all of our confidence on whether or not people perceive us as beautiful. Its like the more people that are after us, the more confidence we have, and the more we like ourselves. And then when the pool of men had dried up, so has our confidence on how beautiful we are. Isn't our society so screwed up!?!
So I am a proposing a change to you, whatever gender you are. Just go look in the mirror and find one thing, even the most minuscule, about yourself that you like. Hell it could be that sweet little freckle on your knee for all I care!
And just love it. That's all.
Love yourself and don't let anyone else define your worth!
Because you are beautiful.
Looked at the wonder that you are.
It seems weird, but recently I have been looking at myself. And for the first time in a really long time. I actually like all that I see.
Sure I may not be the skinniest girl, or the fittest but I like what I am.
And I think one of the main steps into liking who I am as a person is to first accept what I see in the mirror.
Sure some days the make up doesn't want to go on how I want to. Hell the other day I had to try to put on foundation three times because it just wasn't working. I'd apply a layer and then it wouldn't look like I want for some reason or another, and I would take it off and try again. On the third try I finally was so fed up with it that I just dealt with what the make up gods decided to give me that day.
The make up not working isn't the important part. Its the process. Not only do most women feel insecure with out make up on, but having to apply it over and over again just to be happy with yourself is the problem.
Sure there are parts of me I love and those I don't.
My thighs and my stomach. As most women have those problem areas as well. I have beautiful curves, what are you going to do?
The other day, I was editing a video for my media production class and there's a clip of me in a crop top with leggings and a good portion of my stomach and waist is showing. One of my good friends in that class Allie remarked that "you have a ridiculous waist". And I said that "that was a skinny day".
Why do I have to make excuses for looking good? Is there all that much difference between a "skinny" day and a "fat" day?
I have a small waist, yes. But I was just made that way. I have a rib cage that narrows towards the bottom.
Just like I was made with a narrowed aorta and that's why now I have a hooked scar on my left shoulder. To remind me that I was perfectly made.
To remind me that every part of me is beautiful. Even the scary parts. Even the hooked scar. Even the mushroom shaped scar. Even the emotional scars.
That life is scary and that at the end of the day, the only person you can really count on for making your day better is yourself. The entire world can tell you that you are the most beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, desirable woman in the world. But until YOU believe and can look in the mirror and see the beauty not only inside you but also so you can look past the scary parts and see the beautiful ones, that's when you are truly beautiful.
I saw a ten minute video about Myla Dalbesio. She is a new model for Calvin Klein and is a size 10. Which is around what I am. This beautiful woman with wonderful curves talks about self acceptance and at the end of the video we see her in just her bra and underwear. She looks like any normal woman. Not the most tone, but healthy. Just her sitting there reminded me that, I am beautiful no matter what size.
She is considered a plus size model. The lovely vibrant woman with all of her wonderful curves that looks like so many american woman is, considered plus size!
It really struck me how we value beauty to be a certain size. Size 0. Like any of us are really that size! That these willowy woman get to decide what is beautiful. Just think about how amazing a dress looks on a size 0 versus a size 10. That hourglass figure is where beautiful is at!
There were tryouts for a fashion show that was going to be going on at FLC later on this month. And girls had to be a certain height, and have certain measurements. I looked at what the designers professional website asked for, And I realized, I wasn't going to fit. They had said that sizes and height was negotiable, but I was so afraid that I was going to be the "fat" girl that I didn't even think about trying out. I even measured myself to see what I really was and even though I was a few inches off in some places, I still pushed it out of my mind. I didn't want to have to go up against these stick thin girls with perfectly flat stomachs and toned thighs.
I am a beautiful woman. AND I NEED TO REALIZE THAT!
YOU NEVER NEED TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!
Why do we pin all of our confidence on whether or not people perceive us as beautiful. Its like the more people that are after us, the more confidence we have, and the more we like ourselves. And then when the pool of men had dried up, so has our confidence on how beautiful we are. Isn't our society so screwed up!?!
So I am a proposing a change to you, whatever gender you are. Just go look in the mirror and find one thing, even the most minuscule, about yourself that you like. Hell it could be that sweet little freckle on your knee for all I care!
And just love it. That's all.
Love yourself and don't let anyone else define your worth!
Because you are beautiful.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I'm Gonna Like Me
As a child, one of my favorite books was "I'm Gonna Like Me" by Jamie Lee Curtis. I always liked how the kids learned to love themselves after each of their mistakes. Or after having done something embarrassing. That loving yourself was that easy.
I guess you could say that sometimes loving yourself is easier said than done.
I always preach about loving yourself and acceptance. But often times I don't hold myself to the same standards. I've always known that I am one of the harshest critics of myself. But I didn't realize how harsh until just recently.
As some of you may have heard, being back in the single pool hasn't been the easiest of transitions. Sure its been over 3 months since Grant and I broke up, but I still catch little whims of what we were.
Just the other day I found an envelope I had used for a valentines day scavenger hunt. There used to be little paper hearts I had cut out and wrote little things I loved about him on them and all tucked inside said envelope. The hearts were gone but the memories and the tradition was not.
Or just yesterday I did this flirty little snap and wink thing that he had initially first done to woo me. Suffice to say, the connections are being cut and fading but, there are those triggers that bring them up.
The dress I got from him for Christmas last year. I still love it, but I cant bring myself to wear it.
The earrings from our first anniversary
Anytime I think of hockey, Qdoba or Canada.
For Halloween this year I had to think of an individual costume.
I'm using a journal as a catcher of all of my emotions so that close friends don't have to endure every aspect. Its a method of self soothing.
If you didn't know, I often talk to myself as a way to reassure ideas. Sometimes people are supposed to hear what I'm muttering and sometimes they are not. I narrate my life which can be a bit of an annoyance to other people so I've tried to mute it. But its really difficult to when you've done it with out a second thought for about as long as you can remember. Anyways this journal believe it or not has been cutting down on the burden my friends have to bear.
I'm a very vocal person and I show my emotions on my face. I also hold onto things too tightly. I'm an eternal optimist and so often times I don't know when to let go. And this has been known to bite me in the ass. So often times, I can be a bit much.
So trying to find peace with yourself and with your past can be challenging when its hard to let things lie. I've closed myself off. If someone invites me out, its sometimes hard for me to find reasons to go. I question all aspects when in this time of my life I should be living. I'm also a bit of an old soul so I feel like I should always be the responsible one in situations. I never like to get into anything where you cant get out of it. In other words I'm pretty boring and I hate taking risks.
My approach to dating right now is very similar to that of a hermit crabs'. I like to stay where it is safe. I like to stay in my comfortable skin. I never really go out of my box, and I don't really let anyone in to see who I really am. I go very slow and I'm shy at first. I was set up on a double date with two guys and my roommate about a week ago. Suffice to say, they both probably liked both of us, but they liked her more because she has more of an outgoing attitude. Whilst I was being quiet and shy.
Also, what most college men expect on a first date, is way different than what I expect to happen. In other words, they are lucky to be kissed at the door.
Something that has also been helping is learning about other relationships that fell apart. I saw a video done by a friend about love and heart break. Just some of those experiences and times that other people have gone through with similar emotions makes me feel like this island I feel like I'm on, isn't so isolated.
I'm not the only person in the world who has gone through heart break and survived.
I'm not the only one that has had to find reasons why they like them self again.
I'm not the only one whose just cried for no apparent reason because a trigger set them off.
I'm not the only one who misses human interaction and having someone always there. I had a band concert last week and my family couldn't make it which was fine because I saw them about a week beforehand. I didn't realize how alone I was until I looked up into the audience and didn't see a face looking for me.
I'm not the only one who has had to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are an attractive human being. Because its hard to get back out there and feel attractive again when you still have the weight of your last relationship on your shoulders.
I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of dating someone new as a peak too high to climb.
Getting hurt and then putting yourself out there to get possibly hurt again. And then what? Does the cycle repeat? No thanks, i'm good right now. I don't like the risk.
I really wish life and the pursuit of happiness had a guide book . Like a list or a recipe or an instruction manual. Something to break it all down into little bite-sized steps. Like if you do this, you will find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Maybe i'm just too Disney princess.
But what I've really learned through all of this, is that I need to learn to love myself. That yes I am human. And yes I make mistakes and that I shouldn't be that hard on myself because of it. Sure the sea of men that I thought would be after me right now is about the size of well a drop of water, but I think that's alright for now. I'm too much of an emotional roller coaster to bring another person along for the ride.
But
I hope that soon, I can.
As my dad said when I told him about my aching heart, that I need to focus on myself, version 2.0. Which I'm working on. I try to think of a list of characteristics I know to be true of myself and that are positive when i'm having a bad day. Or I just look at what dad wrote and I know that to be true.
So here's a list of characteristics I know to be true.
I am strong. Much stronger than I believe sometimes.
I am smart.
I have a voice.
I am beautiful.
I know that life has mountains and valleys, and this too will pass.
I know that I am perfect just the way I am.
I know that I have high standards, and that's OK. I respect and value myself enough to raise these.
I know that all this struggle will be worth it.
I know that I can make it through this.
So, I'm gonna like me, No matter what.
I guess you could say that sometimes loving yourself is easier said than done.
I always preach about loving yourself and acceptance. But often times I don't hold myself to the same standards. I've always known that I am one of the harshest critics of myself. But I didn't realize how harsh until just recently.
As some of you may have heard, being back in the single pool hasn't been the easiest of transitions. Sure its been over 3 months since Grant and I broke up, but I still catch little whims of what we were.
Just the other day I found an envelope I had used for a valentines day scavenger hunt. There used to be little paper hearts I had cut out and wrote little things I loved about him on them and all tucked inside said envelope. The hearts were gone but the memories and the tradition was not.
Or just yesterday I did this flirty little snap and wink thing that he had initially first done to woo me. Suffice to say, the connections are being cut and fading but, there are those triggers that bring them up.
The dress I got from him for Christmas last year. I still love it, but I cant bring myself to wear it.
The earrings from our first anniversary
Anytime I think of hockey, Qdoba or Canada.
For Halloween this year I had to think of an individual costume.
I'm using a journal as a catcher of all of my emotions so that close friends don't have to endure every aspect. Its a method of self soothing.
If you didn't know, I often talk to myself as a way to reassure ideas. Sometimes people are supposed to hear what I'm muttering and sometimes they are not. I narrate my life which can be a bit of an annoyance to other people so I've tried to mute it. But its really difficult to when you've done it with out a second thought for about as long as you can remember. Anyways this journal believe it or not has been cutting down on the burden my friends have to bear.
I'm a very vocal person and I show my emotions on my face. I also hold onto things too tightly. I'm an eternal optimist and so often times I don't know when to let go. And this has been known to bite me in the ass. So often times, I can be a bit much.
So trying to find peace with yourself and with your past can be challenging when its hard to let things lie. I've closed myself off. If someone invites me out, its sometimes hard for me to find reasons to go. I question all aspects when in this time of my life I should be living. I'm also a bit of an old soul so I feel like I should always be the responsible one in situations. I never like to get into anything where you cant get out of it. In other words I'm pretty boring and I hate taking risks.
My approach to dating right now is very similar to that of a hermit crabs'. I like to stay where it is safe. I like to stay in my comfortable skin. I never really go out of my box, and I don't really let anyone in to see who I really am. I go very slow and I'm shy at first. I was set up on a double date with two guys and my roommate about a week ago. Suffice to say, they both probably liked both of us, but they liked her more because she has more of an outgoing attitude. Whilst I was being quiet and shy.
Also, what most college men expect on a first date, is way different than what I expect to happen. In other words, they are lucky to be kissed at the door.
Something that has also been helping is learning about other relationships that fell apart. I saw a video done by a friend about love and heart break. Just some of those experiences and times that other people have gone through with similar emotions makes me feel like this island I feel like I'm on, isn't so isolated.
I'm not the only person in the world who has gone through heart break and survived.
I'm not the only one that has had to find reasons why they like them self again.
I'm not the only one whose just cried for no apparent reason because a trigger set them off.
I'm not the only one who misses human interaction and having someone always there. I had a band concert last week and my family couldn't make it which was fine because I saw them about a week beforehand. I didn't realize how alone I was until I looked up into the audience and didn't see a face looking for me.
I'm not the only one who has had to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are an attractive human being. Because its hard to get back out there and feel attractive again when you still have the weight of your last relationship on your shoulders.
I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of dating someone new as a peak too high to climb.
Getting hurt and then putting yourself out there to get possibly hurt again. And then what? Does the cycle repeat? No thanks, i'm good right now. I don't like the risk.
I really wish life and the pursuit of happiness had a guide book . Like a list or a recipe or an instruction manual. Something to break it all down into little bite-sized steps. Like if you do this, you will find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Maybe i'm just too Disney princess.
But what I've really learned through all of this, is that I need to learn to love myself. That yes I am human. And yes I make mistakes and that I shouldn't be that hard on myself because of it. Sure the sea of men that I thought would be after me right now is about the size of well a drop of water, but I think that's alright for now. I'm too much of an emotional roller coaster to bring another person along for the ride.
But
I hope that soon, I can.
As my dad said when I told him about my aching heart, that I need to focus on myself, version 2.0. Which I'm working on. I try to think of a list of characteristics I know to be true of myself and that are positive when i'm having a bad day. Or I just look at what dad wrote and I know that to be true.
So here's a list of characteristics I know to be true.
I am strong. Much stronger than I believe sometimes.
I am smart.
I have a voice.
I am beautiful.
I know that life has mountains and valleys, and this too will pass.
I know that I am perfect just the way I am.
I know that I have high standards, and that's OK. I respect and value myself enough to raise these.
I know that all this struggle will be worth it.
I know that I can make it through this.
So, I'm gonna like me, No matter what.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The ache
Hello all,
Well, its been a while since I've done this. Life is crazy as usual and right now I cant seem to find motivation to do homework. So what do I do? Write.
My heart lately has just ached. I think it all started when Bri passed away. I realized that this girl who could literally kick your ass if you got on her wrong side, just died. Like one minute she was perfectly fine and the next she was gone. I still haven't gone to see her memorial near Mancos yet. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. But I had so many ideas about what our apartment would be like. I thought "maybe this time, this roommate will work out".
But life likes to throw you mountains sometimes. It still shocks me to this day that I don't find her in the kitchen in the apartment we picked out and signed a lease for in early May. Jesus was it really that long ago? Did that all really happen?
When people ask how my summer was I initially said really hard, then challenging. Now since I don't want to explain what exactly happened, I just say that it was fine. I Don't exactly want to dump on everyone what my summer was actually like. Bri died near the end of June and then a little over a month later, Grant and I broke up. So initially I started off the summer with a boyfriend and a roommate I adored. And at the end of the summer I had no boyfriend and another wonderful roommate I adored. I am so thankful I found Annamarie to live with. We work so well together, but I cant help but just feel like Bri in some way is still watching over all of this. Her wild spirit. God I miss her.
So pretty much, all of my relationships at the beginning of the summer had been turned upside down by the end.
In the case of Grant and I there's really no person to blame. We just grew apart. Its as simple as that. I learned that its better to be single than be in a relationship where the people are going in different directions. We have both just found different paths to take in life. And believe it or not, we are still friends. Though its tough to not feel the ache of missing that person. Hell it was almost 2 years that we were together. That's longer than a lot of marriages. We learned a lot about each other and what its like to be in love. I know for a long time we were in love and then like 2 trees we just grew towards 2 different suns. And for a time we both thought we would end up together. But life has a funny way of jumbling things up in our world. We learned that even though we weren't right for each other in the end, we will still remain friends. We talked the other day about our lives, and in a weird way, its starting to feel normal. He will always hold a place in my heart but its full of good memories and of growing up. We just were not right for each other, and that's OK.
But trying to get back out into the dating world can be scary, Quite frankly some days I don't know if I am ready. When you break up with someone, you have this overwhelming amount of almost guilt. Like maybe if I had done something different we would still be together. I have this nagging tendency to not let something die until I fully give up on it. I have always wanted to fix things. Like some days I wish that I could go back and just flip a switch or go back in time. I wish I could go back to the middle of June and tell Bri to be safe, and that I was excited to live with her. I don't think Grant or I are to be blamed for what happened. Neither of us cheated. We were just like that Robert Frost poem. We were on the same road in this crazy journey of life, and then we went our separate ways. And along the way we fell out of love. Which is really hard to get over because we were each others first real relationship.
So suffice it to say, after nearly 2 years of being with the same person and then it suddenly ends, i'm back to square one. Not sure on who i'm going to end up in life with. Not sure really whats happening now. But what I do know is that you cannot be afraid to take risks and challenges. Not a single person gets out of this life alive so why not try something new. Right now i'm letting my heart heal from the emotional stress of the summer, but that doesn't mean I don't want to meet people. I know some more things about myself that I didn't know at the beginning of the summer. And in some really odd way, I've grown closer to the crazy group of people I like to call my family.My mom will agree that yes I had a challenging summer, but I also had a big growing summer. I believe in myself more than I did at the beginning of May.
I'm going out on a limb, and technically I've gone on one date. Right now i'm protecting my heart but I also know that college is a social time, so i'm also going out and meeting new people. I've become more outgoing, if that's even possible. And I've had some fun.
But this whole love and the meaning of life thing, I haven't figured out yet. Heck, i'm only 20! I think i'm allowed to live a little for now.
So, that's my life as it stands now!
"Courage comes from not always being right, but not fearing to be wrong"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Well, its been a while since I've done this. Life is crazy as usual and right now I cant seem to find motivation to do homework. So what do I do? Write.
My heart lately has just ached. I think it all started when Bri passed away. I realized that this girl who could literally kick your ass if you got on her wrong side, just died. Like one minute she was perfectly fine and the next she was gone. I still haven't gone to see her memorial near Mancos yet. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. But I had so many ideas about what our apartment would be like. I thought "maybe this time, this roommate will work out".
But life likes to throw you mountains sometimes. It still shocks me to this day that I don't find her in the kitchen in the apartment we picked out and signed a lease for in early May. Jesus was it really that long ago? Did that all really happen?
When people ask how my summer was I initially said really hard, then challenging. Now since I don't want to explain what exactly happened, I just say that it was fine. I Don't exactly want to dump on everyone what my summer was actually like. Bri died near the end of June and then a little over a month later, Grant and I broke up. So initially I started off the summer with a boyfriend and a roommate I adored. And at the end of the summer I had no boyfriend and another wonderful roommate I adored. I am so thankful I found Annamarie to live with. We work so well together, but I cant help but just feel like Bri in some way is still watching over all of this. Her wild spirit. God I miss her.
So pretty much, all of my relationships at the beginning of the summer had been turned upside down by the end.
In the case of Grant and I there's really no person to blame. We just grew apart. Its as simple as that. I learned that its better to be single than be in a relationship where the people are going in different directions. We have both just found different paths to take in life. And believe it or not, we are still friends. Though its tough to not feel the ache of missing that person. Hell it was almost 2 years that we were together. That's longer than a lot of marriages. We learned a lot about each other and what its like to be in love. I know for a long time we were in love and then like 2 trees we just grew towards 2 different suns. And for a time we both thought we would end up together. But life has a funny way of jumbling things up in our world. We learned that even though we weren't right for each other in the end, we will still remain friends. We talked the other day about our lives, and in a weird way, its starting to feel normal. He will always hold a place in my heart but its full of good memories and of growing up. We just were not right for each other, and that's OK.
But trying to get back out into the dating world can be scary, Quite frankly some days I don't know if I am ready. When you break up with someone, you have this overwhelming amount of almost guilt. Like maybe if I had done something different we would still be together. I have this nagging tendency to not let something die until I fully give up on it. I have always wanted to fix things. Like some days I wish that I could go back and just flip a switch or go back in time. I wish I could go back to the middle of June and tell Bri to be safe, and that I was excited to live with her. I don't think Grant or I are to be blamed for what happened. Neither of us cheated. We were just like that Robert Frost poem. We were on the same road in this crazy journey of life, and then we went our separate ways. And along the way we fell out of love. Which is really hard to get over because we were each others first real relationship.
So suffice it to say, after nearly 2 years of being with the same person and then it suddenly ends, i'm back to square one. Not sure on who i'm going to end up in life with. Not sure really whats happening now. But what I do know is that you cannot be afraid to take risks and challenges. Not a single person gets out of this life alive so why not try something new. Right now i'm letting my heart heal from the emotional stress of the summer, but that doesn't mean I don't want to meet people. I know some more things about myself that I didn't know at the beginning of the summer. And in some really odd way, I've grown closer to the crazy group of people I like to call my family.My mom will agree that yes I had a challenging summer, but I also had a big growing summer. I believe in myself more than I did at the beginning of May.
I'm going out on a limb, and technically I've gone on one date. Right now i'm protecting my heart but I also know that college is a social time, so i'm also going out and meeting new people. I've become more outgoing, if that's even possible. And I've had some fun.
But this whole love and the meaning of life thing, I haven't figured out yet. Heck, i'm only 20! I think i'm allowed to live a little for now.
So, that's my life as it stands now!
"Courage comes from not always being right, but not fearing to be wrong"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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