I'm Gonna Like Me

As a child, one of my favorite books was "I'm Gonna Like Me" by Jamie Lee Curtis. I always liked how the kids learned to love themselves after each of their mistakes. Or after having done something embarrassing. That loving yourself was that easy.

I guess you could say that sometimes loving yourself is easier said than done.
I always preach about loving yourself and acceptance. But often times I don't hold myself to the same standards. I've always known that I am one of the harshest critics of myself. But I didn't realize how harsh until just recently.

As some of you may have heard, being back in the single pool hasn't been the easiest of transitions. Sure its been over 3 months since Grant and I broke up, but I still catch little whims of what we were.

Just the other day I found an envelope I had used for a valentines day scavenger hunt. There used to be little paper hearts I had cut out and wrote little things I loved about him on them and all tucked inside said envelope. The hearts were gone but the memories and the tradition was not.

Or just yesterday I did this flirty little snap and wink thing that he had initially first done to woo me. Suffice to say, the connections are being cut and fading but, there are those triggers that bring them up.

The dress I got from him for Christmas last year. I still love it, but I cant bring myself to wear it.

The earrings from our first anniversary

Anytime I think of hockey, Qdoba or Canada.

For Halloween this year I had to think of an individual costume.

I'm using a journal as a catcher of all of my emotions so that close friends don't have to endure every aspect. Its a method of self soothing.

If you didn't know, I often talk to myself as a way to reassure ideas. Sometimes people are supposed to hear what I'm muttering and sometimes they are not. I narrate my life which can be a bit of an annoyance to other people so I've tried to mute it. But its really difficult to when you've done it with out a second thought for about as long as you can remember. Anyways this journal believe it or not has been cutting down on the burden my friends have to bear.

I'm a very vocal person and I show my emotions on my face. I also hold onto things too tightly. I'm an eternal optimist and so often times I don't know when to let go. And this has been known to bite me in the ass. So often times, I can be a bit much.

So trying to find peace with yourself and with your past can be challenging when its hard to let things lie. I've closed myself off. If someone invites me out, its sometimes hard for me to find reasons to go. I question all aspects when in this time of my life I should be living. I'm also a bit of an old soul so I feel like I should always be the responsible one in situations. I never like to get into anything where you cant get out of it. In other words I'm pretty boring and I hate taking risks.

My approach to dating right now is very similar to that of a hermit crabs'. I like to stay where it is safe. I like to stay in my comfortable skin. I never really go out of my box, and I don't really let anyone in to see who I really am. I go very slow and I'm shy at first. I was set up on a double date with two guys and my roommate about a week ago. Suffice to say, they both probably liked both of us, but they liked her more because she has more of an outgoing attitude. Whilst I was being quiet and shy.

Also, what most college men expect on a first date, is way different than what I expect to happen. In other words, they are lucky to be kissed at the door.

Something that has also been helping is learning about other relationships that fell apart. I saw a video done by a friend about love and heart break. Just some of those experiences and times that other people have gone through with similar emotions makes me feel like this island I feel like I'm on, isn't so isolated.
I'm not the only person in the world who has gone through heart break and survived.
I'm not the only one that has had to find reasons why they like them self again.
I'm not the only one whose just cried for no apparent reason because a trigger set them off.
I'm not the only one who misses human interaction and having someone always there. I had a band concert last week and my family couldn't make it which was fine because I saw them about a week beforehand. I didn't realize how alone I was until I looked up into the audience and didn't see a face looking for me.
I'm not the only one who has had to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are an attractive human being. Because its hard to get back out there and feel attractive again when you still have the weight of your last relationship on your shoulders.
I'm not the only one who thinks the idea of dating someone new as a peak too high to climb.

Getting hurt and then putting yourself out there to get possibly hurt again. And then what? Does the cycle repeat? No thanks, i'm good right now. I don't like the risk.

I really wish life and the pursuit of happiness had a guide book . Like a list or a recipe or an instruction manual. Something to break it all down into little bite-sized steps. Like if you do this, you will find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Maybe i'm just too Disney princess.

But what I've really learned through all of this, is that I need to learn to love myself. That yes I am human. And yes I make mistakes and that I shouldn't be that hard on myself because of it. Sure the sea of men that I thought would be after me right now is about the size of well a drop of water, but I think that's alright for now. I'm too much of an emotional roller coaster to bring another person along for the ride.

But

I hope that soon, I can.

As my dad said when I told him about my aching heart, that I need to focus on myself, version 2.0. Which I'm working on. I try to think of a list of characteristics I know to be true of myself and that are positive when i'm having a bad day. Or I just look at what dad wrote and I know that to be true.
So here's a list of characteristics I know to be true.

I am strong. Much stronger than I believe sometimes.
I am smart.
I have a voice.
I am beautiful.
I know that life has mountains and valleys, and this too will pass.
I know that I am perfect just the way I am.
I know that I have high standards, and that's OK. I respect and value myself enough to raise these.
I know that all this struggle will be worth it.
I know that I can make it through this.

So, I'm gonna like me, No matter what.